|Where you can read my words and dreams and million screams. I make my life sound, like, normal.|
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
AND I KEEP FINDING LINES FROM MY STORY IN REAL LIFE. IT SCARES ME EVERY TIME.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
I don't have much to do. I'm home alone, my desk sort of stinks, my cat's still asleep, I still have the same music and the same worries, same games and friends as always. I didn't have too much homework. I worked a little on a new Dungeons and Dragons campaign, then wrote a little, but stopped because I was starting to scare myself. I'm easily scared. Read my book, which is only ok. Watched "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report." They were ok too.
Today's my dad's birthday. He had too much to do today, so we're celebrating Saturday. So I'm writing this and listening to some Maroon 5. They've always been sort of dark, in my opinion.
I was in a really, really good mood over the weekend. I started tutoring a freshman in math on Friday, which seems to be going surprisingly well. The kid's pretty cool, I guess, and doesn't hate me yet. I also find out that I'm a semi-finalist in the UNC-CH Thomas Wolfe Creative Writing Scholarship, one of fourteen. They're selecting three finalists in March, and then narrowing it down to one. That one will get a full ride through college. Needless to say, I am extremely flattered. But then, after a couple days, I figured that thirteen other people got that same letter, and probably thought the same thing as I did, and I'm not that good a writer anyway. Oh well.
So something turned a little bit sour yesterday. I read a piece in Creative Writing, about death. I'm a little caught up, I guess. Almost ran out of gas - I'm continually terrified of running out of gas. That and not having the money to pay for something. And my monitor is buzzing at me again. And I'm going to sleep again in just a couple hours. I'm so tired of sleeping.
God. My monitor is bugging the hell outta me, so I'm gonna have to cut this short and get to another room. I just hope I'm not going crazy.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
I deleted Premeser, my level 60 tauren warrior, member of a rather psychotic guild in World of Warcraft. I've resolved to stay away from that game, because it is bad for me. I've basically been shaving of various parts of my life for the past nine or so months, and I guess I decided that I needed to figure out how to live again. Starting by shaving off that which eats up most of my time.
I think it was the right decision. My life is more interesting already. In fact, I seem to have had more conversations with my friends in the past two days than I have in the past new weeks! Things are looking up.
By the way, I went to the mall today. Crabtree Valley Mall, I think it's called, to buy a new battery for my newly injured car; I left the fog lights on yesterday afternoon (yeah, afternoon. only the next in a series of increasingly ridiculous accidents. I think I have earned the label "Bad Driver," as my poor Honda is dented on all four sides), and charging it only worked marginally well, so I stopped by the mall after school today to get a new one. The mechanics said it would take about an hour, so I just wandered around. Bought a book ("Blindness," by Jose Saragamo; I love it). Lounged on top of an empty parking deck and watched an approaching thunder storm. Tried not to feel very out of place because, quite frankly, I hadn't been to that mall in years.
Also, what is up with these thunder storms, eh? This is the third in two weeks. Look at the calendar, friends. It is January. It does not thunderstorm in January. There is no lightning. There are gloomy days, cold winds, and the occasional spat of snow. But lightning and driving rain? No, my darlings. This is not right. There is something askew with the world. I bet winter moved into Hell. Yes. That would make a certain amount of sense, wouldn't it.
In other news, I'm going to see "Brokeback Mountain" for the third time on Saturday with Hannah and the film club, including the illustrious Dr. Busonik. Seven o clock show. The Rialto. Get there early, because last time I went (one o clock matinee) it sold out. Boycott Winter Formal, my pets. Heartbreaking, soul crushing, beautiful, and moving love stories are better than nasty, hetero dances. If you wanna be emo, that is.
Apparently, I like that movie.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
I am crippled.
I can't write candidly in my blog anymore. I just can't. The sure knowledge that my audience are people I know well - my teachers, my friends, my classmates - just keeps me from writing what I used to think was beautiful and worth writing about. All the inner things, the large things, the ones that I don't discuss in everyday life. I'm not able to discuss them anymore because this blog has become a part of everyday life; it is a conversation with my friends.
I am left with a lot to say. A lot to say. But I won't know where to say it. I don't know how to say it. I don't know who to say it to. Talk about the power of dreams - and movies - what it's like there, the ride home, the secret things, talk about what I wish for (could come true), talk about devastation, talk about the way teenagers aren't allowed legitimate emotions anymore, the way -
But I just can't say it here. I'm left with my story, which is coming along well, and very slowly. Very slowly. Too slowly to say everything that's on my mind all the time, everything that needs to come out, the demons that need to be named. Maybe I'll turn back to private journals, my little black notebook, maybe. I need to reinstate privacy in my life, so I can realize how to talk to myself again. My interior monologue isn't anything so much as an interior loop, a broken record, fractured images and feelings. Writing is how I process. That's what I do. And I'm not able to process on this blog anymore.
That's why I haven't been posting much lately. Because I need to be able to process whatever's going on in my life, and I can't. I believe that my blog is crippled for it.
I don't know if I'll be taking a hiatus or not, since the past few months have pretty much been one long hiatus with a few sparse posts in them. This is just the way things are on Title Pending right now, so for all ten of my readers, don't let your expectations get too high.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Went to see Brokeback Mountain last night with Walt. It's not quite as happy a movie as Star Wars Episode 3. Incidentally, I have seen the former twice in the space of twenty-four hours. Nothing like a good cathartic love story to mope about for several days, sending your already black mood ("Hamlet," anyone?) into a darkening spiral of oblivion. And, uh, dark angelic tears. And stuff.
I'm going to write.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
School is remarkably low key so far. I was expecting to get back and face three papers, a test, and loads of stress. What I am met with, however, is very little homework at all, none really on the horizon, and an altogether pleasant English class. We're finally onto the "Darkness and the Horrors of Man" unit, which will last until May. We've just started reading Hamlet; I went out to Border's to buy a copy since I didn't have one, and it is lovely and I intend to adore it.
I also got my car back, which I incidentally didn't have for a few days because it was overheating. Luckily we got it fixed and inspected, and though I had to get a ride to school yesterday, everything is better because it finally has a radio, CD player, and excellent sound system. I took me until tonight to find my CDs, though what's in the player right now is Not Bad. Collective Soul, anyone?
Well, being low key, I allowed myself to actually hang out with some friends after school today. Oh, I know. This is remarkably out of the ordinary for myself, who traditionally does not have anything of a social life, but let me tell you. It was fun. I like people, except for when I don't understand them, which is far too often in my opinion. They say things I don't get, I don't know whether to laugh, we both stare awkwardly at our feet. I say I gotta go, and slink away.
I'm also broke, so going to Cameron Village wasn't that good an idea. I split a cookie with Rodin, though. That was nice.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
So it's 2006? What of it? I can't imagine much will be different from the years before - I mean, except for the fact that I'm done worrying about turning college applications in on time. That's done, and I suppose that was a big cloud over my head for about two years that's mostly dispelled. Not much I can do about it now: they're in. Submitted. Ta da, Happy New Years. A college education for little Nate.
I made the same wish that I've been making for years, silly old me. I don't really have any other wishes to make, do I? Last year I wished to be right-side-out again, and got my wish. This year... Nope, don't really know what to wish for but that old standby. Maybe to get out of here and begin a semi-new start. That will happen in August, however. A long time away from now.
As far as resolutions go, I don't make em because I don't keep em. No point in making a promise to yourself if you fully intend to break it. I could resolve to brush my teeth more. Lord knows my breath's bad enough. And maybe to help clean the kitchen, despite the fact that I cleaned the entire upstairs room for my brother's little college-friends getogether. Yeah, my family had a party. The parents had a "let's play card games and laugh in the face of shitty 2005 as it goes to whatever timeless hell old years go to," and my brother had a "let's play video games and watch the Chappelle Show party." The former had cheese and crackers, and the latter had young people and the Chappelle Show, and video games. There was much laughter.
Of course, the first words I said this year were "rabbit rabbit," those being the magic words to have a chance at having one's wish granted, for lack of other wish-granting-options. See, there are many chances to have your wish granted, the most well known being birthday cakes, shooting stars, wishbones, dandelions, and wells. I'm also acquainted with the eyelash-thumb wish, the say-perdiddle-and-put your-finger-to-your-nose when-you-see a-car-with-only-one-working-headlight wish, as well as the say-rabbit-rabbit-on-the-first-day-of-the-month-(and-year) wish. When a wish is offered to you also, it's a good idea to take it. Burning of wishes is a good idea, in a ritualistic celebration coinciding with a time of the year, such as Yule logs and New Years fires, much like last year. There is also rumored to be a wish involved with catching a leaf before it touches the ground, and not letting it touch the ground for a year. That wish didn't work for me, however. I may not have executed it properly, but I don't really have the patience to try again.
I may have fudged the wish up this year by not voicing it correctly. It usually needs to be either written down or said vocally, or at least clearly thought, although I have had a very focused image come true before. Take all those images that you associate with what you want, and focus your wish onto that - I like to think there's less of a chance for error and malicious bending of intent if you use images and emotions in that way.
Not that any of it actually works, but it's nice to pretend sometimes. Very nice indeed.
Anyway, Happy New Year. 2006, baby. Here's to hoping It's Not As Shitty as 2005, and The End of 2004. Nighty night.
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